Musuta Kusaka's Everyday Journey with Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion in Japan

“For now, how about you take a break from Pokémon GO?”　

The doctor in charge said. Although he was smiling, it didn’t look like a smile. I got an unexpected conclusion.It was dusk in the examination room. I was visiting a psychosomatic clinic for the first time.　”No, Professor. My daughter gets happy when she catches a rare Pokémon.” “But you made the girl cry, didn’t you?”

I couldn’t say a word. In the next room, someone must have been suffocating, confessing their innermost thoughts. But here, the first diagnosis was that Pokemon GO was prohibited. It was so pathetic, or rather, so uncool, that I couldn’t even look up.

In my conversation with my doctor, I found many things that seemed familiar. It seems that my heart’s cup was full after all. It was certainly the busy end-of-year period, and I was creating a surface tension mentally. I thought that the New Year’s holiday was finally here, but my child’s energy was nonstop all year round. I plunged into a life of running around doing housework and raising children. Wanting to see my daughter’s happy face, I started playing Pokemon GO, and I diligently caught Pokemon and presented them to my daughter. I was like a hospitality-type cormorant fisherman. Gwawawawa. I was busy with work, and I chased Pokemon with that same excitement. And that was the last drop. My heart’s cup was dripping. I didn’t realize that Pokemon GO can be so busy when you play it seriously.

As a result, my emotions were unstable. I started to get suddenly in a bad mood. It went beyond sudden, it was already pathological. All kinds of anger zapped through my mind, from yesterday’s work to events from my childhood. Like a cursed video, it wouldn’t stop. And finally it exploded. And it started on the morning of New Year’s Day. I got angry at my daughter, who was in the first grade of elementary school, for playing without eating no matter how many times I warned her, until she cried. This was bad. I came to my senses, apologized to my daughter, and made an appointment with the doctor.

I asked the teacher, looking down and feeling rather embarrassed and depressed. “What are the conditions for depression?” “I feel emotionless. I can’t feel good. I can’t sleep. I can’t concentrate. I’m irritable. Is this just going to continue?”

All of it was true. “Well, all of that applies.” “We try not to make a diagnosis on the first visit.”

The doctor in charge made a troubled face and answered immediately. It was a blunt answer, but I understood. I had heard that there was a hospital in Kabukicho that would over-prescribe medicines on first visits.

I piled it on. “One more thing, OK?” “yes” “I can do strength training.” “Oh, it’s become a habit.” “But after strength training, I get extremely irritable.” “Oh, I guess so.”

I wonder what he means by “I guess so”. I couldn’t read the doctor’s true intentions from his expression, but I learned that depression and muscle training can go hand in hand. It’s amazing how my body remembers the exercise. It seems that it was a barometer of my health. I wonder if there are more people than you might expect who are walking a tightrope between depression and health, like me.

“Can I have one more?” “Yeah.”

The doctor in charge seemed to be fed up with me. I don’t know if he hated having to turn me down every time, or if he hated the question itself. It was similar to when a doctor at a government office gets annoyed with you. “What is counseling?” I pointed to a poster on the wall. “Yes. I was going to recommend that too. When will you do it next time?” It was so fast. It felt like I had fallen down a flight of stairs, missing a step. Like I had to rush to land without being able to find my footing. “Well, what kind of people receive counseling?”

To be honest, I was scared. Not because it was my first time, but because I had to confess my innermost feelings and write such a day in my schedule book. “The symptoms are mild.” Doctor, I said symptoms. “Oh, is that so?” “Yes. For severe cases, we will skip counseling and go straight to treatment.” That’s a scary thing to say.

However. If that’s the case, you might want to try something called counseling. If it’s for people with mild symptoms, they probably won’t go into too much detail. It’s hard to imagine that someone became depressed because the treatment for depression was too hard. “So, please give me counseling.” “When is the next time? Anytime is fine. I’m not that popular.”

I feel that a psychosomatic doctor who has a line of people waiting to see him is unhealthy. A psychosomatic doctor who is always busy is unsettling.

And then I realized. She was worried about her unpopularity. Only after she started to laugh at herself did I catch a glimpse of a smile on her profile. I realized that our interactions up until then were not because she was cold or businesslike, but because she was expressing her emotions in that way. I was impressed by her awkward honesty. Because I believe that true feelings are not spoken, but rather leak out. I might be able to trust her as someone to talk to about things I don’t want to say. That’s what I was beginning to think. Behind her back, outside the window, it was completely dark.

Not this day. Not that day either. I’ve been so busy with work that there’s barely a drop left in my Pokemon GO game, and she’s so unpopular that she only has a few days to attend the hospital. It’s not often that our schedules line up. In the end, the next appointment is a month later. I’ve been prescribed a 28-day supply of anti-anxiety medication and sleeping pills. That’s quite a lot. But the prescription bag turned out to be nothing more than an individual package of CalorieMate. I was surprised and disappointed. It was a small amount of mildly effective medication for both.

Well, I wonder what I’ll be talking about with my doctor at the counseling session next month. Anyway, the medicine is working really well.